What really bugs me is when you think you know someone, but you were really wrong.

So I have this really good friend, who I've been friends with for like, YEARS. Let's call her S. Well, recently S has been really distant to me and I haven't really REALIZED but I've noticed, you know? And so I've been making a bit of an effort and she just shoots me down every time.
I'm like, okay. and I knew nothing that was going on but apparently, she tells my friend, who I'm closer with, R things about me behind my back. It starts off with little things that we've been disagreeing on lately but then this event is the biggest.

This is the part of the story that gets a little confusing:
There's this hot guy B and this other friend of mine T wants to get with him. But B is two years older and gorgeous, plus he goes to a different school. Anyway, I knew B too as long as T did but T's the type of person that doesn't really flirt with guys so just cause she has her eyes on him, we're all expected to clear the way. And I would, I get it but at the same time, it's not really fair cause I have equally the same chance with him as she does and it's not fair that I was forbidden to talk to B just cause she wants him. She doesn't flirt, I do, but at the same time, we've both never had a relationship before so we're at the same levels.

Anyway, so I go to S, "Oh yeah, B is there this weekend! SWEET!"
And S goes, "No! I'm not letting you take T's chance away from B. You're not allowed talking to him!" (She doesn't even know B so I don't know why it's her business but she makes it hers)
And I go, "Yeah, like T really has a chance with him though" (And I said it meaning T and I BOTH have no chance with him cause he's two years older, goes to a different school, and like all these little things, but she took it as I think I'm so much better than T)

Anyway, I wasn't allowed to talk to B. T talked to him, whatever, I didn't really care cause I don't like him, but I was just frustrated how I wasn't allowed to even TALK to him.
Then I sleep over with R and she tells me that S said to her (about B and T and me)  "What makes her (me) think that T doesn't have a chance with B? She has more of a chance of getting B cause she isn't a 'MAN-CRAVING, SLUTTY, INSECURE, HYPOCRITICAL BITCH'"

And I thought I was best friends with S.
And she said the five meanest things I've ever heard about me
And the thing is, I would NEVER in my life say that T has less of a chance with B than I do. I don't even think that.
And what doesn't make sense is how I'm insecure, yet I say I have more of a chance with a hot older guy than T

So I want to confront M about this, and clarify, and tell her that "Man-craving slutty insecure hypocritical bitch" really hurts but I can't, cause I'm sworn to secrecy by R. But at the same time, I can't be friends with her after she said those things to me behind my back.

It just hurts.

In my life, I think I've been asked out like five times...? Pretty sure. How do you not know if you're getting asked out, you're probably wondering.
Well trust me, the guys who ask me out don't make it clear.

What brought up this thought? Well, I was sitting in the cafeteria, selling tickets for the school dance and this guy in my Spanish class (who is very cute in the Bohemian/Rasteferian way -- dreads, the grungy, brandless clothing, Trinidad and Tobago t-shirts) comes to sit beside me. We're just talking and chilling, not our first conversation, but then we're talking about our Halloween plans and he says, "I'm not going to the school dance cause I'd rather be going to a party as a zombie." And I was like, "Oh for Halloween?" and he nods. Then we talk about other things and randomly, he goes, "Yo, come with me to the party on Friday." and I kind of blew it off, not even realizing that might have been an ask out, and I was like, "No, sorry, I can't. I kinda have plans that night." We start talking about other things again, and I'm like to my other friend, "Yo, let's crash his party." jokingly and I keep saying things to other people to get them to go to his party and they all think I'm weird. Yeah... no biggy.

Well my friend was standing there and after he left, she laughs and she's like, "he so just asked you out!" and I was like, "No he didn't!" and she was like, "Yes he did, and you just completely blew him off!" 

So if that was his idea of "asking me out", where the hell did I go wrong?

Okay so maybe it's letter by letter, word by word, sentence by sentence, but I'm getting there. And yeah, it's not fanfiction this time sadly. I've come up with a new plot line and I want to go through with this. We'll see what the Big Man's got planned for me though.

Want proof?

“So I think I chose B for question eight—the one with the mitosis?” Cathy said as she took the top bun off her burger and drenched it in ketchup, relish, and mustard. I preferred my burgers with just a slab of cheddar cheese, tomato, and lettuce on top of a wholesome patty. And when I’m feeling a little adventurous, I like to add a little ketchup on the side with my fries. I realized something as Cathy was blabbing on about the multiple choice—that our food preferences say a lot about us as people. My best friend was always the eccentric one, mixing and adding flavour to the combo, while I was the plain and simple version of it. Do I like being called plain and simple? No. But I am. And maybe, somewhere in the back of my mind, I preferred it this way. There’d always be less pressure and attention on me that way. Leave that up to the people who matter.

©2008 Rebecca Turner

So I know you haven't heard from me in a while, but if anybody even reads this thing, I'm sorry for neglecting you. It's been a crazy summer - that's for sure. I feel like I'll want to remember this summer so here it is:

After summer school for history (I'm fast tracking) ended August 1st, my friends and I decided to take a trip to Montreal to visit her sister there and more importantly, the booze. I got my first hangover and for those who are out there who have not gotten one, I suggest you stop drinking when you're tipsy cause the barfing in the morning wasn't so pleasant. It was the last day there though so it was fun to put on the sunglasses and go out on a walk in my baggy sweats and wife beater. The three friends I went with broke a laptop there and we all had to pay for it, so we're about $400 more poor. And I never realized how much money I didn't have.

So the next week after frantically searching for a job, we had decided to watch the Perseides Meteor Shower so my friend (let's call her S in true Gossip Girl fashion) invited a bunch of friends -  three guys and four girls, including herself - to stay over and watch it. We met up in a park with two older guys (by a year and we're all friends so it's not sketchy, whatsoever) who had gin and tonic. Well, I mixed drinks, drank a little and didn't feel it but it already hit my Asian guy friend so I was making fun of him. This guy, Alex, who was also hitting on me the whole night, told me I should "put up or shut up". And so I drank half the water bottle of gin without chasing it and, in the process, got wasted. Then Alex pulled me away to the slides and gave me my first real kiss... except it was horribly messy and I felt smothered the whole time cause I was drunk and he wasn't and I lost all my mobility skills. I pulled away, saying "that was an extremely awkward kiss." and he said, "Yeah, let's try it again." and before I had time to react, it was smothering me all over again. I pulled away and we got off the slide eventually to our friends who asked us what happened between us and everything. I'm betting he thinks I'm a terrible kisser but that'll teach you not to get a girl drunk and try to make a move on her then, expecting her to be brilliant still. I haven't talked to him since but it wasn't awkward after. He made some more moves on me (telling me to take off my shirt and trying to feel up my upper torso but I wasn't going to let him, even in my state). The magic ended by that morning (literally, 5 a.m. and I was mosquito-bitten all over my face), when we got back to S's house, and I haven't seen or talked to him since that day. We didn't talk much before that though so it's all good.

I had a soccer game the next day where the ref was Awkward from my "Boys of Summer" post. I diffused the awkward "are we friends or flirty friends or do we like each other" thing that we had going on by saying, "Hi best friend!" and he got the hint. I think... but yeah, it was good.

Two concerts I went to were the Soundtrack of My Summer tour (August 13th) and the Final Riot tour (August 23rd). They were both flipping amazing but in very different ways. The Soundtrack of My Summer had better music (The Maine, Metro Station, Good Charlotte & Boys Like Girls) and we got right up to the front for that one but the Final Riot (which also had awesome music like Paper Route, Phantom Planet, Jack's Mannequin & Paramore) had an amazing mosh pit and sweat factor. They were both nights of my life that I will remember.

Anyway, the real point in my blogging. I got a virus on my desktop today (yet again for the second time in the past two years) so I didn't get to back up all my music yet, meaning I'm losing 1800 something songs and some of my pictures (I got to back those up, luckily). My computer still turns on and all but it freezes and I'm pissed. I'm using my laptop now and probably will be for the next few weeks until I'm less depressed about losing all my computer stuff. And you'd think I'd learn to back up my stuff beforehand but, no! I'm an idiot and it's not a good thing this time. Is it ever a good thing?

Hope you all have an amazing rest of your summer and I'll hear from you soon, no? Whatever, I'm betting nobody reads this anyway.

So far, there have been many boys popping in my life for a possible summer flame and they all freaking piss me off. Let me get this off my chest and hopefully entertain you.

Boy 1. Let's call him Awkward. He's the type that's "adorkable" but he's also 19 and technically illegal for me. But we met as soccer referees last year and started a pretty flirty texting relationship two weekends ago. He adds me on MSN and talked to me a lot that same weekend. But then when I ignored him when my mother came to pick me up during that week from a soccer game that he happened to be reffing (and waited for me after :S) which I know is bitchy on my part, I texted sorry to him and everything and he accepted the apology. But something changed and now we stopped talking. And now he's out of my life.

Boy 2: Let's call him Hot Ref. He is also a referee (good perks with the job eh?) and he's pretty cute but happens to be the brother of one of my teammates. This one happens to be 17 though and goes to another school, so he thinks he's too good for me. I reffed a game with him and he was really nice in person, with a great smile, and we got along well enough except for the end when he was seriously dry to me as I left. Anywhoo, I added him on MySpace and then I wrote on his wall... only to have him not reply back. But at least he added me right? Kidding, but  whatever, he was just a thing to look at anyway.

Boy 3. Let's call him Sketchy. I did not like him as anything other than a friend because he's a bit of a troubled kid who is kind of weird. He talks about his broken family to anybody who will listen (even if you just met him) and LOVES attention. He's a bit of a sensitive kid who is on the verge of emo. I talk to him to be nice and because he was in one of my classes. Anyway, he texted me and wrote to me the same night asking me if I wanted to go to the MMVA's (Much Music Video Awards). I didn't realize that he was asking me out, which is what my friends who I was with that night, told me. I thought he was just asking as friends. I couldn't go but I said sorry and now he keeps texting me randomly and I think he's a bit of a creep but I feel bad for him at the same time. Is that mean?

Boy 4. Let's call him Gangster. He's one of those rebels that think they're bad ass and do stupid stuff like illegally driving at the age of 15 (which is my age but I've got an early birthday), stealing from a house and getting caught so now he's got a court date, and talking and typing like a fool. Anywhoo, he likes me and told me to my face, through email, through friends, text messages, Facebook and every possible way but he just doesn't get a hint. He thinks I'm playing hard-to-get when I tell him to stop touching me and leave me alone. A few days ago, he was sending me stalkerish emails saying that he'll call me up if I don't answer the email and I shouldn't be afraid if he calls and says "come outside, I'm here". I answered back to the first when he told me he'd call if I didn't answer but I was actually contemplating getting a restraining order. Then today he sends me a text message saying, "Yo, Wanna meet up 2night?" I say, "I can't... I have plans and an exam tomorrow (which I do)" He doesn't get it and asks me "when r u free?" Never. I'm going away to camp. I'm going to New York. I don't like you. Delete my number off your phone right now. Please leave me alone. All these answers are coming to my mind but I don't know what to say. At this point, I'm freaked out of  my mind cause this kid actually SCARES me so I call my friends who convince me to answer, simply saying  "I'm busy this summer." Translation: LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. It's been like twenty minutes so I think he gets the underlined message behind my four words but he answers back a defeated (or sarcastic? I never can tell over text.) "Thnks 4 tellin me".

So yeah, Gangster just was the one that tipped me off the most and I guess I decided to write to all of you about it. Whoever you are... Sketchy?

Kidding. But yeah, rereading all the boys of my summer '08, I'm wondering one thing: "When the hell did technology consume my relationships?"

November 27, 2008.
Check the entry cause I mention the Breakout Actress Award. And I got it. I was very happy but I realize that it wasn't a big deal at all. Oh well.

Right now, it's near exams for everyone and my easy schedule just keeps getting more and more crowded with soccer and everything that's bugging me lately. Like my supposed "best friend" for example. Is it wrong to say that I think she's turning into a total slut? Maybe I shouldn't say that online where everyone can see it. (But she is.)

And what happens if your friend sees a guy that she likes from far away but you end up talking to him close up? And you think you like him... and you really want to talk to him again but you rarely see him. My heart is pounding and I'm getting the feeling that I seem like a creeper if I stalk his Facebook page. Ugh. I don't like boys at all... too confusing

I love sappy movies. Not all the time. And definitely not all of them. Just the ones that make you swoon and giggle and laugh at the corniest parts.

I think that there should be someone who just posts chick flicks or chick-flick-like movies on a channel on Youtube (though it would probably get taken off three minutes later) or something so we can all just make comments on everything and be... girls :) The stereotypical type. I would do it, but I'm too lazy. Sorry if you're a type who buys all your movies, nothing against it. I buy... most of mine. :)

Anywhoo, going to study. Peace.

By the way, if anybody likes the types of movies that I do, go out and watch What Happens in Vegas with Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher. I thought it was brilliant.

It's ridiculous how many times I've been sick lately. My record for this year: twice in three weeks. And full weeks of sickness at a time.

But on the plus side, I get to miss school  :) Especially dreadful swimming (what we're currently doing in P.E.)

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I honestly don't care about a lot of things.

I'm there physically doing most things but most days, my hearts not into it. I hate school, I hate being at home, I hate going out, and I definitely hate the weather. It's been snowing like crazy these past days and my mother, who is completely anal about these things, won't let me go out.

So I'm stuck at home, bored, while all my other friends are out.

Anyway, I miss pouring my heart out online.

“One of these days, I’m going to stop coming up with reasons why I should forgive you when you make it so hard to live with you.” It repeated in her head like a mantra. She really should have shouted it at her, all the pent up feelings of hate finally coming out.

It was another one of those fights where she did nothing wrong but witness her mother trying to cause trouble with her father. She’s pissed off at the world, like a bomb waiting to go off at anything close to her. The trouble is that one day, there’s going to be nothing left for her to explode and she’s going to self-destruct. That’s the part that scared her the most.

She loved her mother sometimes, she really did. But there were always the times where she would try to lash out at every possible thing and hurt everything around her... just because she could. She didn’t know why she always gave her mother back the piece of her heart that she had tried so hard to mend together, time and time again. She always did though, and her mom would always take it back.

A week later and they would go through the same process. There was never a moment where they didn’t gradually work their way back up to talking to each other, only to have it broken again. She wondered why she put up with it all the time.

“One of these days, I’m going to stop coming up with reasons why I should forgive you when you make it so hard to live with you.” It repeated.

She wondered how her father had spent thirty years with her and was still able to endure her. She actually, as awful as it sounded, wondered why her father was still here and still married to her. He didn’t wear the ring anymore, claiming it gave him a rash and he was allergic. She always wore her ring and made sure it had at least a carat of diamonds or tanzanite; something of the type.

There had only been four times in her life that she had witnessed any type of love between her parents. Two of which were on birthdays (a kiss on the cheek), once on New Year’s (a peck of their lips), and once when they had a good amount of money in their joint bank account, her mother held onto her father’s hand.

She thinks that her dad hasn’t left her mother yet because she was still here. “Oh don’t worry dad, I’ll be gone soon. Just one more year and then we can both leave her to rot together.”

The only thing she will have left to love is her ring that means nothing.

Last exam tomorrow so last night, I'm studying the hormones needed in sexual reproduction for humans (fascinating stuff, I assure you. I keep on yawning for a reason) when my left eye starts to twitch for a whole minute. Whoa. It's an extremely odd feeling.

I yawn twice more in the next ten minutes. Eye twitch.
Ten more minutes. Eye twitch.

It practically comes at equal intervals. I fall asleep overnight, thinking it'll be over by today.

I wake up to my left eye twitching. Good morning to you too.
Twenty minutes and the first eye twitch of the day.
I start crying from boredom and blink to get my contact not to mess up and literally, a whole minute of my left eye twitching.

It's really distracting and messing up my concentration so I... yes I'm this desperate, I google it to see if I'm going to become blind in the near future or maybe I wore my contacts for too long and my eyes infected. Instead, I find out that it can be caused by fatigue (very tired) or stress (I'm not even done the first unit and the exam is in twenty hours).

Just thought I'd share, don't be afraid if your eye starts to twitch.

First off, can I say how fucking sad is that? Gosh, I was in love with him and I can't believe he's gone at 28, with a two-year old, no less.

Second off, the point of this short (very short since I should be studying) story, is the coincidence. My friend and I might have verbally killed him or the world is just too mystical for me to understand. Yesterday at around 3 p.m., my friend and I were walking to my house to bake brownies (so not the point but who doesn't like brownies?!?) and we were walking over this bridge with a tiny pathway and a long drop onto a train track.  There is a pathway to go under it but it takes five minutes longer and I prefer to be seen if I'm walking rather than disappear underground. So my friend, let's just call her Jodie (because that's her name), and I were talking about how she knew a guy who had tried to commit suicide by jumping from the bridge and ended up breaking a nerve that blinded him instead. We both said how painful that death would be and suggested that the fastest, cleanest, and easiest way to commit suicide would be to overdose on pills of some type (like sleeping pills, which is an example that one of us said.) Then we were weirded out that we were talking about ODing on sleeping pills and committing suicide so we stopped talking about it.


I know, we were talking about committing suicide and his death was apparently an accident. But the world still does have its mysterious ways.

Exams for me are in a week.

My schedule for this semester got really messed up. Sure I checked off that I wanted my hardest courses before easier ones so I could get them over with. And sure, I take all academic classes (but applied classes are people getting under 60% so those standards aren't that high).

So starting next Thursday, I have a Geography exam the first day, an English (that God that I'm getting that course out of the way... my teacher was terrible and I absolutely hated her.) and French exam on the same day, and a Science exam the Monday after. I have a feeling it's going to be torture. But just think about it: next semester, all I have is Math, Business, Drama, and Gym.

I can't wait for three weeks from now.

So I had this movie marathon this Saturday with my friends where we went to the theatre at 3 and came out at 9 after watching two movies. Let me just tell you, a bunch of 15 year olds sitting through two consecutive movies makes them develop ADHD. We were so hyper by the end of P.S. I Love You that we were fake-crying along with Hilary Swank and reciting her lines. The four girls in the backrow? Yeah, that was us... surrounded by all the couples making out.

Though I didn't like P.S. I Love You so much (it was very sad to me but too morbid for me to like. I mean, come on, at least make the husband come back alive somehow... geez), Juno was flipping amazing. And I mean AMAZING. I'm obsessive. Their music, their acting... gosh, I now even have a crush on Michael Cera (or more likely his character but whatever). I'm obsessed, like I won't can't stop talking about it. My friend who I slept over at after was so pissed off at me because after the 30th time we repeated the same conversation (JUNO WAS SO CUTE! I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT), it got irritating. Anywhoo... if you haven't seen it, go out and see it NOW!

Exam time :( Stressed out just a bit since I have my hardest courses all this semester but I better get working now.

For whoever reads this (cough Mati cough), I'd just like to inform you all that I'm leaving to Hawaii until January 7th, so don't think that I'm ignoring you all.

See you in the sun :)

BTW, today, I got so many projects and tests back and I got all perfects! That made me do a happy dance :)

P.S. Doesn't Kostos (see mood icon) look really stalkerish in that picture?

That's what I feel when I'm on the stage. Even if nobody's watching me... or listening, like for my livejournal for example.

It's two weeks until the play opens at my school. I've got 78 lines. That's not that many, sure, but I'm still nervous every time I step onto that stage (or make-shift stage for now until they get the set ready). I want to be an amazing actress but it's not something you can really make yourself into. Sure, you can work on it, and hell, you can even think it. Ultimately though, acting is a gift you're born with... like singing.

One of my fellow co-actresses told me about an award today that the school offers. It's for all new actresses and if you're in the play and have a bigger part (which I guess I do of all the people in the play my age) called the Breakthrough Actress Award. Did I mention I want it? But I'm not an amazing actress. I just got lucky with this part. I say the lines, I do the hand motions, I get into character. I'm still not an amazing actress.

But I want this award. Not to prove to anybody or even to brag about; just for myself so that I can look back and feel rewarded. I won an award for something artistic.

That's all that's on my mind for today.